Why I can't Sleep at Night...

I don't do a very good job of completely trusting God.
I'm deathly afraid of failing and scared to ask questions which is a horrible combination.
When someone approaches me and makes a suggestion, often times I buck up or shut down, and then I run. It's all in how they talk to me. If they sound like I'm failing and blame me in their tone, I immediately get upset...to the point now where I may just start crying on the spot. It's only later I realize they were just trying to help me.
    Here's what I'm learning: Approach people who need help with kindness and gentleness of spirit. Otherwise you will crush their world and make themselves think they can't do anything right.
But for the love of all that is good in this world, please share your advice. People want to hear it, especially kids, teens, and those 20 somethings out there. We want to learn from your wisdom. But wisdom sure doesn't sound like good advice if you turn us into some twisted scape goat that you blame your problems on.

Crying Happiness

I cry a lot.
I must cry more than the average person.
It's something I've accepted about me, but I also think I can control it more than I believe sometimes.
What I realized after working in a stress-filled environment for years, was that crying is only appropriate at certain times. Easy to say...hard to practice.

When I'm tired, I could cry at virtually anything. I'll just close my eyes and tears start coming and I have no idea why. Crying is how I express how I'm feeling on the inside, which could be sad or happy.
It's a stress reliever for me, and doesn't automatically mean I am this weak person or can't handle things. It's one part of how I handle it.

Last Saturday I started crying. I was in a car, surrounded by some of my closest friends, and I realized just how blessed I am. God is making everything I ever desired come true. And He is doing it in a way I never imagined or timed.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."
I used to say that verse to myself over and over. I'm starting to live it now.

I wrote a song about Happy Tears. Still working on it, but this kind of explains my crazy week of getting fired and happiness:

            This Good
You scratch yourself in your sleep
But you don't know why
Your momma said it was their stress
But you don't want to give up the fight

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

You see yourself in the mirror
And tell yourself not to cry
Screaming, "You're not a failure!"
But you are dying inside

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

All you wanted was to hug him
As his number dialed on your phone
He took you out for drinks and was so sweet
Just the two of you alone

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

You realize you don't deserve him
As the stars above you shine
You've never seen anyone like him
And you're crying cause you're fine. 
Crying happiness, crying happiness
Crying happiness, oh, oh 

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friend
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

Like the Eagles

Lent is over.
We celebrated Easter yesterday, and it was an incredible, beautiful sunny day.
It was the sunniest Easter I have ever seen here. It almost always rains on Easter.
Yet, for some reason I was sad. Sad because some things in my life are fading away...
A wise, amazing woman in our church asked me how I was doing.
I said I was "adjusting to the changes in my life."
She reminded me that God is the Author of it all, that the changes are a good thing.
And it's true. So true.

Every time God takes something away from me, He fills it with something incomprehensibly better.
I know this, yet I still get sad.
   It's not a dark sadness though. It's more of a letting-go-of-things and mourning the good times I had.
There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. And I'm grateful for both things.
I don't ever stay sad for long. But that sadness, that learning to trust my God even more, for every little and big thing in my life, is a blessing in itself.

I'm not as scared as I was last year. I'm letting go much easier.
I can't wait to rise up "with wings like eagles."

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
³¹ But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
--Isaiah 40:28-31

Joy and Lent

My whole life people have been telling me I'm such a happy person.
Today I started wondering why that is.
I think I was created to be an optimistic joyful person, by a joyful optimistic Creator.

I know this has been said a million times, but it still rings true:
No matter how bad things get in our lives, it's really our outlook that matters.

I cannot thank God enough for the trials He brought me last year.
It was through that fiery furnace that I really came to understand letting go. Letting go of everything I hold dear except for Christ.
And now that I'm out of that cave, how could I not be joyful?
Not only am I back on my feet, but I am dancing. I'm better than where I started.
Remember Job? If it can happen to him, why not me?

But I wouldn't have made it through without help. Lots of it.
A wise woman showed me through her life how to roll everything over to God.
Another woman taught me how to be a true, supportive listener.
Another taught me not to compromise.
Many blessed me with their own joy in Christ.
And one man proved to me I wasn't crazy after all.

Tomorrow Lent starts. I want to read as many good books as I can.
Not sure what else I need to do, but I'm sure He'll show me.

When you try your best but you don't succeedWhen you get what you want but not what you needWhen you feel so tired but you can't sleepStuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
And high up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worth
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your faceWhen you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down your faceAnd I
Tears stream down your faceI promise you I will learn from my mistakesTears stream down your faceAnd I
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you--Coldplay
Beautiful. 

Being scared is ok sometimes

I'm scared. And I know it. I'm scared of next month, next year, and what it will mean to my life.
But it's also, exciting, I guess. A new year for a new time...where no one can hold me back.

I'm scared to think where I'd be without Christ right now. But I don't have to, cause You are with me.

Wish I could slap myself in the face

It's hard to heal.
To really feel again.
To stop asking why
To stop all the sighs
In my head.

If I could erase every memory of you I wouldn't do it. Yes, I would think about it, but my life would be so much different otherwise. My life would probably not be as good.

I need to face my dragons, my demons. I need to grab my sword and chop of their heads:
Every. Single. Day.

You tried, I guess. You failed. God doesn't though, and that's all that matters.

All the times...

Think back
On all the times
You knew

I hope you feel
The pain inside
A new

Tell me
Why you were
Untrue


I understand life is complicated. I understand some things are not meant to be, because my God has a better plan in store.  But the one thing I hope you've learned from this is not to mess with a heart, cause when you do it means you're a jack ass. And now I'm picking up the pieces.

Haha, yeah right...

Part 1:
People make promises a lot. I've come to the conclusion that people also break promises a lot.
Saying you'll never hurt someone is a lot to carry on your shoulders.
Cause people hurt you all the time, whether they try to or not.
And it's cause we're people.

I'm done with people making promises they can't keep.

But I'm all for someone who is willing to stick with what they said in the beginning.
Edward Ferrars, I love you.

Part 2:
I understand people change. Promises aren't about how we feel, otherwise no one would keep any sort of promise. Promises are about being truly committed through thick and thin.

If you were never going to truly commit, your promises meant nothing.
Just words. And that's all we are sometimes: just words.

A Year Later

It hasn't been quite a year, but God is still faithful, still in control, still the only thing I need.
He's not the only thing I want though. And I think it's a good thing I've realized that.

I want to be swept away. I want to be taken out dancing.
I want to go star gazing with someone. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride. I want to go on a picnic. I want to be taken out to a fancy dinner once in a while, or any dinner really. I just want to be surprised.

Is that too much to ask?

And I want to build someone up and be built up. I want to argue and figure out God's world with someone.

A relationship isn't about compatibility, or friendship. Anyone can be friends. A relationship is about being based on something that will never fade, on Someone who will never give up on you. Christ.

The other side of the fence...

God always fulfills His promises. Always.
Remember that, even if it's hard to be content, and hard to go through the many struggles we go through in life, there is always a rainbow after the flood if we follow Him.

I just had one of the best days of my life. =)

Waiting Part 2: Rather Random Thoughts

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant."--Persuasion

Jane Austen knew the virtues of waiting. Her main characters are always in some state of waiting for happiness.

Too often, we become discontent in our waiting because of comparisons. If someone asks you when you're going to finish school, or when you're going to have a boyfriend, or when you will be done with so and so, it is usually very frustrating. I think we get frustrated by these questions because we assume they are judging us. We assume they are saying "Why don't you have a diploma on your wall yet? I do, look at mine!" When in reality, they usually just care about you and want to know what you've been up to. That's when you look them full in the face and say "I sure am working on it!" :)

"Love suffers long and is kind." Notice that the suffering part is linked to kindness. It's not ok to be mean to others just because you are going through a drain pipe.

The best things in life really are worth waiting for...it's not just a little cleshay phrase. But waiting means fighting, not just waiting.

If only time could pass us by...

Sometimes it feels like the main thing we do in life is wait.
As kids we wait to grow up, in school we wait to graduate, as adults we wait to buy houses, start families, and have the career we think we want.
Waiting isn't a bad thing, and it definitely teaches us many good life lessons. There is a pitfall, however, that can come with obsessing over waiting. If all we think about is what is yet to come, then we are missing out on bright amazing parts of our lives. Abraham waited hopefully, in a good way:

"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, ¹⁴ saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.”^{[d] 15} And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." --Hebrews 6:13-15

Here, God Himself swore that he would give Abraham children. Abraham had a hard time waiting, his wife Sarah certainly did too, but in the end the Word of God says that Abraham waited paitently. If waiting was easy, God wouldn't use it to refine us. There's nothing wrong in admitting that waiting for something good is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Abraham tried different ways to get an heir. Sarah laughed when she heard about bearing a child, but still, their faith and trust in God is a beautiful example to us all. Abraham didn't waste those years waiting for Isaac. He built up an inheritance for him.

Instead of focusing on waiting, I think we should be preparing ourselves to receive God's promises. This means delighting in our time now, while preparing for the future. After all, there will always be things worth waiting for, but the present is here today and gone tomorrow.

There is a friend...

Last term in school I took a "religion" class on Friendship. In it I learned that people have different views of what and why they have friendships. Aristotle describes three types of friendships:

1. Friendships of utility
2. Friendships of pleasure
3. Friendships of virtue

Number one describes a friend you have only for the connections or what you can get out of them.
Number two describes lovers, loving someone because it feels good to you.
Number three speaks of being friends with someone who has common goals.
   "Iron sharpening iron."--Proverbs 27

While there are different levels of friendships, I think the Bible gives us what the main point of any friendship should be:

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

                                                      (John 15:13-15).

Friendships aren't what you can get out of it, but what you can give. If you're looking to make friends, become someone's friend.
A true friend helps each other. Helping doesn't mean you lie for them or look over all their sins. It means you encourage each other to be righteous.

What if your friend harms you? Or stops being your friend? Friendships are often up and down. I've heard it said that you have only two options: either growing closer or falling apart. God wants us to give up all our friendships to Him. If we're relying on our friends for everything (a comforting ear, a meal, etc.) instead of Christ then our friendships are doomed. The only thing in life that is certain is God, not your best friend you had when you were six.
   On the flip side, friendship is a precious ointment and a safeguard against evil. Surround yourself with good friends and you will grow spiritually. Just remember, friendships are the Lord's. He may break them to recreate them, or to let someone be another person's friend. Sometimes all you can do is pray, but that is what friendship is, it never stops hoping.

Timing Part 1

It is often stated that "timing is everything."

I used to think timing was bogus. If you were going to love someone, then love them. God made you to love them, so why can't you love them right now?
It is our wise Father, however, who controls not just who we love, but when  our love can be fulfilled.
I think many teenagers get confused about it. If you are told not to date when you are younger, or not to talk to the other sex, then you may grow up thinking you can never do that. Then, when we finally find ourselves in our twenties, we don't know what to do with ourselves. Or, we think that our liking someone when we were a teenager was somehow wrong. We are hardwired to care for someone special, it's the timing that is the issue.

It is a glorious thing to have even our timing ordered by the hand of the Creator.
"Do not stir up nor awaken love till it pleases."--The Song of Songs

The Explosive Combinations

Comparisons vs. Combinations

Comparisons happen all the time. Sometimes I think we are unconciously raised to compare ourselves to everyone around us. Everything is a challenge that must be won.
It's impossible to be truly good friends with someone, however, if you are constantly jealous of them or trying to outdo them. It is also hard to be friends if you think only your way is the right way and everything they do is ridiculous. As we shall see, not everyone has the same gifts given to them by God. This means not everyone will have the same calling or go about things the same way you do.

I have been thinking about 1st Corinthians. The book speaks about fellowship in the body of Christ a lot!
How do we get along with one another if we are constantly comparing ourselves to each other?
Paul says "Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Are all workers of miracles? ³⁰ Do all have gifts of healings? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? ³¹ But earnestly desire the best gifts. And yet I show you a more excellent way." (12:29-31)
   If our own individual gifts are not what matter the most, what does? What is the more excellent way?
  When I was younger, I memorized the next verses. I memorized them thinking that the passage describing love was about "being in love." If I wanted to have a good marriage, I needed to be kind, suffer long, not behave rudely to my husband, etc. I think you do need those things for a good marriage, but I now realize that Paul was talking to the entire church of Corinth. He was telling friends (and maybe people who don't get along so well) to suffer long in love for each other. To bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things. Not to endure things for the sake of being in love, like Romeo and Juliet, but to proclaim what love really is. Love is not seeking its own, but is being transformed by Christ's love to serve others.
    If I am going to love His body, I am going to have to swallow my pride and admit my way is not the standard for all living: His way is. You can assume all you want about people, and talk about it behind their backs, but when you actually talk to them about it, you may realize they are trying to serve Him the only way they know how. And isn't that a blessing to the Church? Afterall, we are to desire the good gifts, which means desiring people to have gifts that are different than yours, but not any less inferior. So thank God for our differences. For not only would this Earth be an incredibly boring place if we were all the same, but it is through our combined strengths that we shall rebuild this world.

Random Motivating Thoughts

I've been thinking lately, which is typically a good thing.
My Pastor always says that everyone goes through a time of discouragement and darkness in their lives.
For myself, I know I get discouraged or frustrated at God sometimes. I wonder why things are happening the way they do. David seemed to do this a lot in the Psalms. "How long, oh Lord...."
   Even though I get down sometimes, I was born and taught to be a very optimistic person. I can't stay in the depths for long. My biggest enemy is passiveness. Sometimes I just don't want to do anything. Once I begin something for someone else I try to do it with my best abilities. If I'm doing something for someone else I take it very seriously. Why then, do I have such a hard time doing things for myself? Especially finishing things.  I believe it is my mindset that is the problem.
   I am not doing all these little things for myself. I am doing them for Christ and through the Spirit.
God is the one who I do it for, and He is also the one who helps me succeed. He has empowered me to change the world for Him. Why should I get caught up in petty arguments in my head about who I am doing what for? Oh pride, how I loathe thee!

He Saved Others

Good Friday, 1987

Jesus, You know I do not understand

Your love, Your sacraments, Your sufferings,

Your grace exalting me with priests and kings

Reigning forever in the Promised Land.

I am a child who takes his father’s hand

Walking along the beach, who while he clings

Fears not the surf, but begs a tale that brings

Him dreams of sailing far beyond the strand.

O tell me once again and I’ll receive

The things I cannot know and count them true:

How if I were the only man to grieve

The heart of God, You’d take Your cross anew

(I do not understand, but I believe)

To die for me, that I might live for You.

--Philip Rosenbaum

Quite a few years ago, when I was in my teens and going through a poetry phase, I was able to purchase a book of sonnets. It was sold by James Jordan, an amazing Pastor and scholar, and written by a man named Philip Rosenbaum. Every year I try to read through my Holy Week Sonnets. They have been such an encouragement to me. Check out http://christianpoet.org/Poetry_of_Philip_Rosenbaum/Home.html to read more of them.

Good Friday is indeed a good day. It was also the worst day in the life of our Savior. Today I was meditating on what our Lord went through. When I read Mark 15, this part stuck out to me:
"Likewise the chief priests also, mocking among themselves with the scribes, said,
 'He saved others; Himself He cannot save.'" (vs. 31)
      What's funny about this passage is, even though the pharisees and scribes were mocking Jesus, what they said was true. Jesus did save others. He saved His chosen people, and He was in the process of saving others while He was on the cross. He could not save His loved ones if He only cared about saving Himself. Christ is the epitomy of unselfishness. He couldn't save Himself even if He wanted to, because He had put His life in His Father's hands: "Thy will be done!"
     Isn't this how God created life to work? The only way we can save ourselves is by saving other people.
 It is a beautifully strange truth. "Lose your life, and you will find it..."
                                              =) Happy Good Friday!

How Could It Be Any Better Than This?

What do I have to do
To try to make you see
Trying to be like you
Isn’t good enough for me

I wont let you go
I wont let you down
I wont give you up

Don’t you give up on me now



Some people wonder why Lifehouse is my favorite band. Lifehouse's lyrics make me think, and their music always matches their lyrics. It's not thinking just in a logical mental state, but also in a relational way. Their music makes you think about relationships from the inside and the outside. God is logical and emotional. Indeed, He is much more than that. I think it's hard for us to be both at the same moment. I might be logical one minute and super crazy the next. God's world, however, is beautiful and complex all at the same time.
    Researching where Jason Wade (lead singer and song writer for LH) came from puts much more meaning into each of his songs. His songs are his reactions and ideas revolving around his most important relationships. Indeed, they tell the story of his life in an abstract way. I think a good composer is able to tell a story with their songs. Jason's stories have been some of the best encouragements to me, and that is why I will always be thankful for Lifehouse.
   Jason's parents were missionaries when he was younger. It wasn't till their divorce, which really affected him, that he turned to poetry and music for support. He lived in Portland, then moved to Washington, then finally to Los Angeles. It was in LA where he met his bass player Sergio and started a worship band called Blyss.  Blyss eventually evolved to Lifehouse, with Rick playing the drums. Over the years Lifehouse has changed. The band had a breakup with Sergio. Rick, however, is still there rockin' and being as goofy as ever. Bryce, awesome Canadian bass player, joined the team, and their latest member is Ben, who is a great Australian guitarist, mate!
    No Name Face was their first CD, and it was a huge success. The songs off that album are really straight from Jason's soul, expressing his frustrations and his faith in God. Jason writes music hoping others will be able to relate to it and be encouraged. He doesn't write music to force ideas down someone's throat. It used to bug me that he wouldn't talk more about God, till I realized the impact his family's breaking up had on him. Still, his songs all have incredible messages, and I think that is how he communicates his worldview the best.

Lifehouse's definition of Love is interesting. Some of the main themes running through their songs are:
Holding on, not giving up
Changing for the relationship
Believing in second chances

Jason has been married to his wife Braeden for ten years. He says that they try not to be apart for more than two weeks at a time, which is tricky since Jason is on the road most of the time. He brought her on his last tour, and he says they are childhood sweethearts, best friends, and still madly in love. Now they're thinking about having kids. :)
     As for Lifehouse, currently they have 5 CDs released, and are still touring around.
I've seen them three times in concert. Amazing every time. Did I mention I have their autographs, pictures, posters, shirts, and have talked to them?

I'm not obsessed, just in love.

 Jason and Braedon

My pic at their last concert

Arise Sleeper

So the captain came to him, and said to him, "What do you mean, sleeper? Arise, call on your God; perhaps your God will consider us, so that we may not perish." Jonah 1:6

I was struck by this verse a couple days ago when I read it and I can't get it out of my head.
     It got me thinking, have I been sleeping in my tasks, or have I risen up?
If I am completing a task without thanking God or beseeching His help, am I acting asleep?

When I forget to call on God in my hardships, it is as if I was asleep.

If you structure this verse it could become:
           What do you mean, sleeper?
                     Arise,
                               Call on your God
                             Perhaps your God
                     Will consider us
            So that we may not perish

Chiastically structering the verse this way shows that the first half is what we are to do, and the second half is God's response. Return to the Lord, and He will return unto you it says in Zechariah.
   It also shows it is completely out of our control. God may just consider us. Or He may not.
Sleeper is tied to perish. Arise with consider and call with perhaps.
  Oh, Lord, may we pray to You each day. Hear us, Lord.