Being scared is ok sometimes

I'm scared. And I know it. I'm scared of next month, next year, and what it will mean to my life.
But it's also, exciting, I guess. A new year for a new time...where no one can hold me back.

I'm scared to think where I'd be without Christ right now. But I don't have to, cause You are with me.

Wish I could slap myself in the face

It's hard to heal.
To really feel again.
To stop asking why
To stop all the sighs
In my head.

If I could erase every memory of you I wouldn't do it. Yes, I would think about it, but my life would be so much different otherwise. My life would probably not be as good.

I need to face my dragons, my demons. I need to grab my sword and chop of their heads:
Every. Single. Day.

You tried, I guess. You failed. God doesn't though, and that's all that matters.

All the times...

Think back
On all the times
You knew

I hope you feel
The pain inside
A new

Tell me
Why you were
Untrue


I understand life is complicated. I understand some things are not meant to be, because my God has a better plan in store.  But the one thing I hope you've learned from this is not to mess with a heart, cause when you do it means you're a jack ass. And now I'm picking up the pieces.

Haha, yeah right...

Part 1:
People make promises a lot. I've come to the conclusion that people also break promises a lot.
Saying you'll never hurt someone is a lot to carry on your shoulders.
Cause people hurt you all the time, whether they try to or not.
And it's cause we're people.

I'm done with people making promises they can't keep.

But I'm all for someone who is willing to stick with what they said in the beginning.
Edward Ferrars, I love you.

Part 2:
I understand people change. Promises aren't about how we feel, otherwise no one would keep any sort of promise. Promises are about being truly committed through thick and thin.

If you were never going to truly commit, your promises meant nothing.
Just words. And that's all we are sometimes: just words.

A Year Later

It hasn't been quite a year, but God is still faithful, still in control, still the only thing I need.
He's not the only thing I want though. And I think it's a good thing I've realized that.

I want to be swept away. I want to be taken out dancing.
I want to go star gazing with someone. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride. I want to go on a picnic. I want to be taken out to a fancy dinner once in a while, or any dinner really. I just want to be surprised.

Is that too much to ask?

And I want to build someone up and be built up. I want to argue and figure out God's world with someone.

A relationship isn't about compatibility, or friendship. Anyone can be friends. A relationship is about being based on something that will never fade, on Someone who will never give up on you. Christ.

The other side of the fence...

God always fulfills His promises. Always.
Remember that, even if it's hard to be content, and hard to go through the many struggles we go through in life, there is always a rainbow after the flood if we follow Him.

I just had one of the best days of my life. =)

Waiting Part 2: Rather Random Thoughts

"You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight and a half years ago. Dare not say that a man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant."--Persuasion

Jane Austen knew the virtues of waiting. Her main characters are always in some state of waiting for happiness.

Too often, we become discontent in our waiting because of comparisons. If someone asks you when you're going to finish school, or when you're going to have a boyfriend, or when you will be done with so and so, it is usually very frustrating. I think we get frustrated by these questions because we assume they are judging us. We assume they are saying "Why don't you have a diploma on your wall yet? I do, look at mine!" When in reality, they usually just care about you and want to know what you've been up to. That's when you look them full in the face and say "I sure am working on it!" :)

"Love suffers long and is kind." Notice that the suffering part is linked to kindness. It's not ok to be mean to others just because you are going through a drain pipe.

The best things in life really are worth waiting for...it's not just a little cleshay phrase. But waiting means fighting, not just waiting.