Joy and Lent

My whole life people have been telling me I'm such a happy person.
Today I started wondering why that is.
I think I was created to be an optimistic joyful person, by a joyful optimistic Creator.

I know this has been said a million times, but it still rings true:
No matter how bad things get in our lives, it's really our outlook that matters.

I cannot thank God enough for the trials He brought me last year.
It was through that fiery furnace that I really came to understand letting go. Letting go of everything I hold dear except for Christ.
And now that I'm out of that cave, how could I not be joyful?
Not only am I back on my feet, but I am dancing. I'm better than where I started.
Remember Job? If it can happen to him, why not me?

But I wouldn't have made it through without help. Lots of it.
A wise woman showed me through her life how to roll everything over to God.
Another woman taught me how to be a true, supportive listener.
Another taught me not to compromise.
Many blessed me with their own joy in Christ.
And one man proved to me I wasn't crazy after all.

Tomorrow Lent starts. I want to read as many good books as I can.
Not sure what else I need to do, but I'm sure He'll show me.

When you try your best but you don't succeedWhen you get what you want but not what you needWhen you feel so tired but you can't sleepStuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
And high up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worth
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your faceWhen you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down your faceAnd I
Tears stream down your faceI promise you I will learn from my mistakesTears stream down your faceAnd I
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you--Coldplay
Beautiful. 

Being scared is ok sometimes

I'm scared. And I know it. I'm scared of next month, next year, and what it will mean to my life.
But it's also, exciting, I guess. A new year for a new time...where no one can hold me back.

I'm scared to think where I'd be without Christ right now. But I don't have to, cause You are with me.

Wish I could slap myself in the face

It's hard to heal.
To really feel again.
To stop asking why
To stop all the sighs
In my head.

If I could erase every memory of you I wouldn't do it. Yes, I would think about it, but my life would be so much different otherwise. My life would probably not be as good.

I need to face my dragons, my demons. I need to grab my sword and chop of their heads:
Every. Single. Day.

You tried, I guess. You failed. God doesn't though, and that's all that matters.

All the times...

Think back
On all the times
You knew

I hope you feel
The pain inside
A new

Tell me
Why you were
Untrue


I understand life is complicated. I understand some things are not meant to be, because my God has a better plan in store.  But the one thing I hope you've learned from this is not to mess with a heart, cause when you do it means you're a jack ass. And now I'm picking up the pieces.

Haha, yeah right...

Part 1:
People make promises a lot. I've come to the conclusion that people also break promises a lot.
Saying you'll never hurt someone is a lot to carry on your shoulders.
Cause people hurt you all the time, whether they try to or not.
And it's cause we're people.

I'm done with people making promises they can't keep.

But I'm all for someone who is willing to stick with what they said in the beginning.
Edward Ferrars, I love you.

Part 2:
I understand people change. Promises aren't about how we feel, otherwise no one would keep any sort of promise. Promises are about being truly committed through thick and thin.

If you were never going to truly commit, your promises meant nothing.
Just words. And that's all we are sometimes: just words.

A Year Later

It hasn't been quite a year, but God is still faithful, still in control, still the only thing I need.
He's not the only thing I want though. And I think it's a good thing I've realized that.

I want to be swept away. I want to be taken out dancing.
I want to go star gazing with someone. I want to go on a hot air balloon ride. I want to go on a picnic. I want to be taken out to a fancy dinner once in a while, or any dinner really. I just want to be surprised.

Is that too much to ask?

And I want to build someone up and be built up. I want to argue and figure out God's world with someone.

A relationship isn't about compatibility, or friendship. Anyone can be friends. A relationship is about being based on something that will never fade, on Someone who will never give up on you. Christ.