Why I can't Sleep at Night...

I don't do a very good job of completely trusting God.
I'm deathly afraid of failing and scared to ask questions which is a horrible combination.
When someone approaches me and makes a suggestion, often times I buck up or shut down, and then I run. It's all in how they talk to me. If they sound like I'm failing and blame me in their tone, I immediately get upset...to the point now where I may just start crying on the spot. It's only later I realize they were just trying to help me.
    Here's what I'm learning: Approach people who need help with kindness and gentleness of spirit. Otherwise you will crush their world and make themselves think they can't do anything right.
But for the love of all that is good in this world, please share your advice. People want to hear it, especially kids, teens, and those 20 somethings out there. We want to learn from your wisdom. But wisdom sure doesn't sound like good advice if you turn us into some twisted scape goat that you blame your problems on.

Crying Happiness

I cry a lot.
I must cry more than the average person.
It's something I've accepted about me, but I also think I can control it more than I believe sometimes.
What I realized after working in a stress-filled environment for years, was that crying is only appropriate at certain times. Easy to say...hard to practice.

When I'm tired, I could cry at virtually anything. I'll just close my eyes and tears start coming and I have no idea why. Crying is how I express how I'm feeling on the inside, which could be sad or happy.
It's a stress reliever for me, and doesn't automatically mean I am this weak person or can't handle things. It's one part of how I handle it.

Last Saturday I started crying. I was in a car, surrounded by some of my closest friends, and I realized just how blessed I am. God is making everything I ever desired come true. And He is doing it in a way I never imagined or timed.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."
I used to say that verse to myself over and over. I'm starting to live it now.

I wrote a song about Happy Tears. Still working on it, but this kind of explains my crazy week of getting fired and happiness:

            This Good
You scratch yourself in your sleep
But you don't know why
Your momma said it was their stress
But you don't want to give up the fight

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

You see yourself in the mirror
And tell yourself not to cry
Screaming, "You're not a failure!"
But you are dying inside

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

All you wanted was to hug him
As his number dialed on your phone
He took you out for drinks and was so sweet
Just the two of you alone

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friends
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

You realize you don't deserve him
As the stars above you shine
You've never seen anyone like him
And you're crying cause you're fine. 
Crying happiness, crying happiness
Crying happiness, oh, oh 

Now you're sitting in the car with your best friend
Thinking, how did my life turn out this good
Everything I ever hoped, 
Turned out better than it should
So I'm crying happiness, crying happiness

Like the Eagles

Lent is over.
We celebrated Easter yesterday, and it was an incredible, beautiful sunny day.
It was the sunniest Easter I have ever seen here. It almost always rains on Easter.
Yet, for some reason I was sad. Sad because some things in my life are fading away...
A wise, amazing woman in our church asked me how I was doing.
I said I was "adjusting to the changes in my life."
She reminded me that God is the Author of it all, that the changes are a good thing.
And it's true. So true.

Every time God takes something away from me, He fills it with something incomprehensibly better.
I know this, yet I still get sad.
   It's not a dark sadness though. It's more of a letting-go-of-things and mourning the good times I had.
There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. And I'm grateful for both things.
I don't ever stay sad for long. But that sadness, that learning to trust my God even more, for every little and big thing in my life, is a blessing in itself.

I'm not as scared as I was last year. I'm letting go much easier.
I can't wait to rise up "with wings like eagles."

Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord,
The Creator of the ends of the earth,
Neither faints nor is weary.
His understanding is unsearchable.
²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
And to those who have no might He increases strength.
³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
And the young men shall utterly fall,
³¹ But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint.
--Isaiah 40:28-31

Joy and Lent

My whole life people have been telling me I'm such a happy person.
Today I started wondering why that is.
I think I was created to be an optimistic joyful person, by a joyful optimistic Creator.

I know this has been said a million times, but it still rings true:
No matter how bad things get in our lives, it's really our outlook that matters.

I cannot thank God enough for the trials He brought me last year.
It was through that fiery furnace that I really came to understand letting go. Letting go of everything I hold dear except for Christ.
And now that I'm out of that cave, how could I not be joyful?
Not only am I back on my feet, but I am dancing. I'm better than where I started.
Remember Job? If it can happen to him, why not me?

But I wouldn't have made it through without help. Lots of it.
A wise woman showed me through her life how to roll everything over to God.
Another woman taught me how to be a true, supportive listener.
Another taught me not to compromise.
Many blessed me with their own joy in Christ.
And one man proved to me I wasn't crazy after all.

Tomorrow Lent starts. I want to read as many good books as I can.
Not sure what else I need to do, but I'm sure He'll show me.

When you try your best but you don't succeedWhen you get what you want but not what you needWhen you feel so tired but you can't sleepStuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
And high up above or down belowWhen you're too in love to let it goBut if you never try you'll never knowJust what you're worth
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your faceWhen you lose something you cannot replaceTears stream down your faceAnd I
Tears stream down your faceI promise you I will learn from my mistakesTears stream down your faceAnd I
Lights will guide you homeAnd ignite your bonesAnd I will try to fix you--Coldplay
Beautiful. 

Being scared is ok sometimes

I'm scared. And I know it. I'm scared of next month, next year, and what it will mean to my life.
But it's also, exciting, I guess. A new year for a new time...where no one can hold me back.

I'm scared to think where I'd be without Christ right now. But I don't have to, cause You are with me.

Wish I could slap myself in the face

It's hard to heal.
To really feel again.
To stop asking why
To stop all the sighs
In my head.

If I could erase every memory of you I wouldn't do it. Yes, I would think about it, but my life would be so much different otherwise. My life would probably not be as good.

I need to face my dragons, my demons. I need to grab my sword and chop of their heads:
Every. Single. Day.

You tried, I guess. You failed. God doesn't though, and that's all that matters.